Cumplicidade

Nem sempre voamos na mesma direcção,
nem sempre estamos como queríamos estar,
Mas o carinho que sentimos vale mais
do que qualquer pedra no seu lugar.

Obrigada meu amigo,
Pelo sentimento querido
que sinto ao te olhar.
Alegre ou triste,
Mas sempre com um sorriso contagiante
que me faz chorar.
Levo comigo o teu conforto
para onde for
e para o que vier.
É o meu escudo, a minha arma
a minha força de viver.
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Se um dia endoidecer

não digas que não te avisei,

Que sou infeliz neste mundo ,

se não tiver com quem adormecer.

Percorri caminhos turtuoso para chegar até ti,

morri três vezes antes de ser algo para ti.

Quero dar-me ao teu esplendor,

ver-te cru,

sentir a tua pele na minha

até chegar ao topo ao mesmo tempo que tu.

Aí acordo na minha solidão,

a pensar em ti,

com a mão ali

e uma lágrima aqui.

Mais uma noite sozinha…

 

 

[inspirado em poemas de Florbela Espanca]

Por Favor, Aprovem

Já não há palavras para as minhas emoções,

tento justificar e compreender os meus pensamentos,

só para voltar ao conforto da minha nuvem fúnebre.

Procuro respostas ao meu descontentamento,

faço um ultimato a mim – tens duas opções, Ana!

Mas aí eu descubro…

Já sei o caminho, apenas espero

e desespero

que o aprovem…

Quando mais ninguém tem que o fazer,

sem ser eu própria.

 

I Saw You In My Dreams

I saw you yesterday and the day before,

while my eyes were closed and my mind was awake.

I woke up to have a feeling something was wrong,

so I checked your social media

to find out you were holding someone.

 

Why did my mind decide to think about you only now?

What an unfortunate event,

we could’ve been so much more than what life had planned…

 

I only wish you the best,

But first let me say it hurts to think

someone will see you naked

in ways I only see when I blink.

Tell me what to do, I don’t want it to be me to think it through.

I hate how miserable I am. I hate how hard it is to change my negative mindset into a positive and focused one. I am tired of meditating before I go to sleep, after I wake up in the morning, in between breaks at work so I can just get through the day, go home and get anxious over the fact that the next day will be as stressing as today. I’m exhausted of working out to repel all the hate, frustration and worries within me. When I got home today, during my warm bath, I thought about writing a letter from me to me, a hopeful and focused one so I could calm down and get ready for the now/future, but how could I possibly write something like that when I have tried so many different strategies, workplaces, lifestyles and everything is still the same, if not worst? I’m glad that I’ve changed over the past few years, I’m glad I went to my first appointment, I’m glad I changed my lifestyle, I’m satisfied with my personality and my average looks. I am far from happy with my job and my perspectives for the future. I don’t mind working in something that does not require studies, that being retail or call centers but, fuck, everything drains me. I’m not one to give up this easily but I’m also not going to keep doing things that triggers my anxiety and everything triggers my anxiety! I want and need to be at home, write, go out when I want and need to, I want to be free! I don’t want a schedule, I want… I need… To be relaxed, do what I like.

But… I know… That tomorrow will come and in a month everything will be the same and I’ll end up writing another gloomy entry on my blog. How do people have the guts to do what their heart tell them to?